On the Road Again

Well its two days since being discharged from a week in hospital.  Back and forth twice between Guelph General and Hamilton General.  On the last run, 3 days ago, I had the kyphoplasty done.  The anxiety and stress in getting there was much worse than going through the process.  Hospitalized a week before for extreme pain in my right leg plus weakness.  Had to call Owen to get me to emerg.  Then a consult in Hamilton with surgeons who had a different story about what was needed - kyphoplasty to include debulking which I really didn't understand and told them so.  Not an emergency they said so they'd pass their information onto Dr.Drew for Tuesday's surgery.  But of course they couldn't answer me on whether he'd be changing his surgical plan because of this new information.  aka more anxiety not knowing what I was in for. Logic set in and I suspected it would still only be a kyphoplasty but I still wanted that confirmed.  The surgeon ho...

It was pretty much the first thing on my list of things to do once I got my prognosis.  Molly is a busy dog with a lot of need to be on the move - though frankly right now she is curled up on the couch beside me after a walk in the rain on the conservation trails.   I've been more worried about her getting a new home that would suit her personality.  I think I found one.  Lea Anne is right on it, wanting walks with me and Molly to ease a transition that is coming up shortly. This whole process though reminds me of the first time when I wanted desperately to ensure my kids were 'safe' as I walked into treatment.  I didn't want them worrying about me, not wanting them to take on the burden of helping me and displacing their own milestones as teens moving into adulthood. So I think I may have pushed Rachel out too quickly.  My situation probably didn't make her feel at all secure.  Chris became her crutch and the rest of the world seemed unobta...

I am thinking about the last time I started a blog with my first episode of breast cancer.   I kept it highly personal - quiet.  I thought that would be the best way to enable me to just right my thoughts with no hold backs.  I eventually let a few people read about 'me' in that time span.  But, I'm not sure of the benefit overall to others after the fact.  I think it helped me. Not sure what I will do this time. Feeling sore but not too much as seems to be the new norm this early in the morning... just after 5 in the morning.  I didn't sleep as long as I had wanted to though I am counting close to 8  hours if I'm right in thinking I was in bed by 8:30.  I love my sleep- more so when the pain fades away and I can dream of other things.  I am up to the max on advil each day, but with one pill of Tylenol 3 at night.  Lyrica helps with the nerve pain alot, but I am feeling what I think is bone pain in my now. Delays in getting th...

Saw Jean this week in Ottawa.  Went by train.  The best idea really for getting up and walking, using the washroom, getting food come to you, and then of course having the view of a passing landscape. Jean was magnificent. Propped up in her bed, body gone but extremely present in mind and intent.  Waving her arms to draw in others and bring attention to the things she needed or want to say.  She was elegant in her words and deeds, ensuring each person she met heard her feeling toward them.  A procession of friends scheduled in by Karen and Kim.  Family took priority and I was brought into this fold. "Jean sees you as family." were Kim's words.  Kim picked me up at the train station and both she and Karen had me stay with them in Karen's bed because of my back.  Karen took the matress in the living room, cuttling up with Elise once she arrived from New Zealand that night. I didn't have much to say to Jean.  She had more words than I. ...

So I am building up more enthusiasm about this blogging again.  Somewhere to unload my frustrations, somewhere to let others know what's happening if they so choose and in case I missed someone in letting them know,  but also somewhere to create a story that follows a theme of my choosing. I said already I dislike using words like path and journey.  I'd rather be into construction.  Under that theme I guess I want to demonstrate some level of control and course building in getting to an end point, whether that's just a big dud or something amazing.  So what's the outcome going to look like and how to best get there? Already I have people rallying for me.  I was able to tell my kids what's happening to the level I know.  Lots of uncertainty but that the next couple of years will be rough.  They are on there way to Ottawa to see Jean at the end of her road.  What she put in place before that was extraordinary.  Trips to Europe and Asia...

At it again, I chose 'new road building' because this is what I want to do.  I need to change things up and create a path that will work for me over this next while.  I do not like the word 'journey', even path.  Just over used and too soft really.  I'm more in favor of 'construction'.  Making things work with me as the architect or foreman.  So that's what this blog is going to be about.